The X Factor

Another bored night brings you the best of Detective Wang’s musings into a girl’s world. I’ve actually thought about this one for several months now, and sadly the more I think about it, the more I believe it to be true. Tonight we investigate the X factor.

I was recently talking with a male buddy (which happens almost constantly) about girls (also almost constantly.) He was telling me about a typical situation that he had with a girl he knew. Now, he didn’t explicitly mention that there was something wrong; in fact he seemed rather blithe. However, just hearing (from his recounting of the story) how he reacted to certain things she said and the mannerisms he used around her made me cringe. I REALLY felt like this guy had no idea of the implications of his speech and the consequences of his actions. After this incident, I started noticing more and more that the way he acted around girls would either a) weird them out, b) hurt them, or c) make them angry. The mystery of it all was that he was completely oblivious to the reactions he got from girls; it all seemed normal to him.

He had the X factor.

In your circle of friends, is there a guy who everyone knows to be ‘it’? Not ‘it’ in the sense that he has no gender and people refer to him as an object, but do you know a guy who has NO idea how to act around girls? That when your ‘crew’ (**by the way, please don’t refer to your group of friends as a crew unless you are changing the tires, refilling the gas and otherwise repairing a higly-tuned vehicle with maximum efficiency during a NASCAR circuit or doing something equally unifying and fast-paced) goes out to eat, somehow a little flag goes up in your head that says “sigh.” everytime he interacts with a girl? HE has the X Factor. You might not understand me as of now, so let me explain further.

The X factor is a condition where a guy simply doesnt know how to talk to a girl. There are many different forms of the X factor, but it all comes down to one thing: MAJOR insensitivity. Now now, it’s a scientifically proven fact that is written down in the scrolls of time that all men struggle (and fail) with insensitivity, but I’m talking MAJOR. Let me give you a simple example:

Bob is hanging out with Carly, eating dinner at Denny’s. As they order their food, Carly simply chooses to get a salad for whatever reason. Bob orders the 2lb steak omelette with 5 pancakes on the side. As the waiter takes the menus away, Bob turns to Carly, shrugs and says, “Why’d you order a salad? Do you think you’re fat or something?”

*DOH*. I’m sure many of you guys are wincing with me as the inevitable 0wnage ensues. WHAT was Bob thinking? Now if he was asking the same question to a dude, I forsee no problem: the dude would say something like “I heard it builds muscles.” or “It helps my aim in Counter-strike.” and life would go on. However, the fact that this is a girl changes things immensly. Many of us understand that there are quite a few issues with which guys are comfortable with that you simply cannot question a girl with. However, those with the X factor see no distinction and simply treat girls with the same insensitivity that we treat the more grosser half of the human race.

I believe that all men fall prey to the X factor at times, but what sets apart those with the condition is a repeating pattern of the symptoms. Guys that don’t have it can look back to their mistakes with females, slap themselves in the forehead and make an oath never to do *that* again. However, those afflicted will shrug and say, “I really see no problem with that. What did I do wrong?” Insensitivity.

Here is a list of the various types of X factors that I can think of:

1. The Toucher.
This is the dude that ALL guys dislike and dread. This guy will touch, flirt, and otherwise mangle any female body that he is friends with. He is probably single, and will remain so because he enjoys his occupation of being The Toucher so much. He will casually lean against a girl and sling his arm against her as he chats with others in the circle. He may also play stupid hand games with girls such as “tickle my palm!” or everyone’s favorite, the slap-the-backside-of-the-hand reflex game. They will also whine to their gal ‘pals’ that they dont call him enough, IM him enough, and that it seems like “she’s IGNORING meeehh…. ” Watch out especially for these guys; they’re dangerous. Every guy who is not The Toucher will keep an eye on him whenever their girlfriend is in the same room as him. Not only does it creep out and annoy guys, but my sources tell me that girls are also especially aggravated by him.

2. The Bear.
The Bear is the guy who is pretty much the manliest guy you know. Not in the sense of heightened character traits, ravishing good looks and a sensitivity that would make outhouse crap turn into cheesecake, but the sense of hairy, sweaty, boarish stench of strength. This is the guy who plays tons of contact sports, is really into tanks, combat gear, and wears camoflauge on a daily basis in order to maximize his “situational awareness.” The Bear has the X factor because he treats girls with the same “Huhu let me grab your head with my palm and pull it under my Amazonian armpit huhu” attitude as he terrorizes his smaller asian friends with. My research finds that girls are SCARED of this guy. Often, if she is found trapped in a corner of a room while he rambles on about the condition of the flaky skin in his pubescent areas, she sends out the signal (usually via Estrogen or Progesterone channeled into airwaves) to fellow girlfriends to finagle her to safety.

3. The PAM.
I know this word has a LOT of debate and connotations behind it, but I’ll use the term in spite of it all since it describes this category so perfectly. PAM = Passive Asian Male. You don’t have to be Asian to have this, but it just so happens that a majority of Asian guys (possibly myself) have the PAM syndrome. What does this entail? The PAM often finds his pleasure in jostling or otherwise engaging in physically intimate activities with other PAMs. They will do so willingly in public, and will even continue in such a manner in the presence of girls. They will talk about anything and everything related to girls, girls they like, and ESPECIALLY girls they want to see their friends date. This last point almost always occurs because a) they are too timid to act on their own desires to get to know a girl better, b) they’d rather their fellow PAMs to go and test the water (which is why sometimes a PAM will egg on his friend towards the girl he likes!) before he tiptoes in, or c) they have “better things to think about” than their own girl desires. The PAM has the X factor simply because he will never summon enough courage to talk to the girl he likes and consequently acts in weird and often unpredictable ways around her and her girlfriends. He may even flirt with her girlfriends ‘just cuz’. Ask him why? “i dno.” The PAM finds solace in electronic gaming, basketball, or online/in-person poker. He is also pale, skinny and goes to the gym only to bench press. (1 plate on each side [135 lbs]; never brave enough to move up to heavier weights.)

4. The Debater.
The Debater is the guy who likes to argue about anything and everything. He will pick a fight with anybody who mentions anything REMOTELY related to something he knows. If you think that sentence was vague and general, it was. The point is that he will be constantly bringing up new (or revamped) points to argue over. His purpose is not to win arguments, but simply to enjoy the process of verbally fighting someone. The Debater has the X factor because it is absolutely impossible for a girl to speak to him without getting upset or getting so tired that she wants to cry. If a girl wants to share with him a story of what happened to her last weekend, he will tell her things she should have done instead. He will argue her out of her OWN story. He will also be hard to avoid, as once he’s picked his prey of topic, there’s no return until he is either satisfied or finds an even better topic to argue on.

______

The Toucher. The Bear. The PAM. The Debater. All of these valiant men share a single condition: the X factor. Now, look back to your own circle of friends. Do you spot these guys? If you look around and you don’t see ANY of these guys, I have sad news for you: YOU have the X-Factor in what is the most common and worst form: The Blind.

5. The Blind.
The Blind either unconsciously or willingly overlooks their guy friends who have the above 4 traits. He believes FIRMLY in the “bros before h**s” mentality, and will fight for it to the death. Not only will he stand up for these X-factored men, but he will chastise and put down girls who come to him venting about his friends and their weirdness/insensitivity. The Blind has it the worst because he cannot tell who has the X factor, and therefore could potentially have all 4 traits in himself and not even know it. Additionally, girls will hate him because he is the “sidekick” who affirms the X-factored men in their deeds: the silent one who laughs with The Toucher, farts with The Bear, giggles with The PAM, and nods in agreement with The Debater. He has no conviction or any real care for his fellow X-factored friends in that he does not try to help them nor give them advice. Even though he sees things that sends red flags to his brain, he quickly extinguishes them for the “sake of friendship.” Bros before girls always, right?

Knowledge is power.