Impressing people.

Recently, some friends and I were talking about some random junx and started talking about what impresses us. We talked about the different ‘plus’ and ‘minus’ traits that a guy or girl can have that will REALLY rack up the points and impress that special someone. Some of these traits were true of all people, some of them were personal, and some where just plain WTH. We were all in lighthearted conversation and so I don’t think any of us really thought about the significance of what we were saying.

However, I started thinking more deeply on the mere concept of impressing people, whether it would be some girl I am really into or my prospective future boss. Do we really believe that the practice of impressing people and routinely trying to do so is really acceptable and “natural”?

J. I. Packer says this about knowing people (The passage is meant primarily to introduce a theme about knowing God, but I believe we can all learn from this section as well) :

“One does not know a living thing til one knows not merely its past history but how it is likely to react and behave under specific circumstances. A person who says “I know this horse” normally means not just “I have seen it before”; more probably, however, he means “I know how it behaves, and can tell you how it ought to be handled.” Such knowledge comes only through some prior acquaintance with the horse, seeing it in action and trying to handle it oneself.

In the case of human beings, the position is further complicated by the fact that, unlike horses, people keep secrets. They do not show everybody all that is in their hearts. A few days are enough to get to know a horse as well as you will ever know it, but you may spend months and years doing things in company with another person and still have to say at the end of that time, “I don’t really know him at all.”

Thus, the quality and extent of our knowledge of other people depends more on them than on us. Our knowing them is more directly the result of their allowing us to know them than of our attempting to get to know them. When we meet, our part is to give them our attention and interest, to show them good will and to open up in a friendly way from our side. From that point, however, it is they, not we, who decide whether we are going to know them or not.“

Knowing God, by J.I. Packer.

I believe that a logical conclusion following these thoughts is that hopefully, as friends, we have an obligation to present ourselves in a way where people will be able to get to know us. I would also say that the way in which people get to know us the best would be if we were to present ourselves accurately and fully; in essence, letting people know “This is what I am really like.”

Therefore, it seems that it is counterintuitive for me to go up to someone (who doesn’t know me very well) and present myself only from very carefully (and purposefully) selected sides, sides that would show them all of my best and none of my faults; sides that were intended to impress.

I would say that getting to know someone by seeing merely what they want me to see is not really getting to know someone at all. The minute they relax their preconceived image and revert to their “usual” self, a new (and often darker) side of their personality shows up that I have never seen before. If this unexpected side of their personality caused some grief or drama, I would be very surprised and hurt, especially if this person is someone that I cared about deeply and thought I knew. I don’t think this kind of relationship would constitute a relationship in which I know the other in any way, shape or form. Because this person tried to impress me, I am now hurt and do not really want to continue to try to get to know them anymore