Gym Personas.

If you can spot what's wrong with this picture, I'll give you a dollar.

I work out on a regular basis with YX at the Right Stuff, and as such, we work out with the regulars that go at the same time we do. I would say that most of them do not have any other distinguishing features other than their muscles or lack thereof, but there are a few that just stand out for various reasons. Without further ado, here are the top 4 people I met at the gym.

• Headphone Guy

Headphone guy is aptly named for reasons that shall become self-evident. At first glance he seems like a pretty regular guy, about 6 feet tall and slightly larger-than-average build. All pretty typical for a gym rat. One thing: he has a thick, straight line of baldness that wraps from ear to ear. It seriously looks like someone created some steel headphones, heated them in a cast iron furnace, and stuck it on his head as a method of torture. YX wanted to call him “Headphone burn guy” but it’d be way to obvious if he were ever in earshot.

• Little Dweeb

Little dweeb hangs out with Headphone Guy all the time. He has short man’s syndrome (which I will get into another time) which basically assures him of 3 things: angry, muscles-as-compensation, seeks-approval. He is constantly flexing his undefined muscles in the mirror yelling things like “DUDE [HEADPHONE] MY MUSCLES ARE HUGE TODAY” and “CANT WAIT TO WORK BICEPS”. I wish I could make this up. YX and I once had to stop a set midway because we overheard him talking about moving out of his parents house and living with Headphone Guy in a 1Bdr’s living room. I quote: “MAN THIS GROWING UP SH** IS EASY.” He thinks he owns the gym, when in fact he merely squeaks by the average lifter with Headphone and some other hooligan friends.

• Ripped Old Man

I have nothing bad to say about Ripped Old Man. Just that he is old. And massively r-i-p-p-e-d. Everytime he passes by, I stare because I am just so amazed that at 60-something his discipline and hard work has defied age and gravity. I bet he gets all the old women haha. Anyway, he has short white hair, is tan and has the most capped delts I have seen for a long time. He’s a cool guy though, or at least seems like it when he’s lifting. You can always tell who’s cool and who’s not based on how they work out. If they do a lot of mirror-flexing (unnecessary amounts) or try to make eyecontact with everyone in a cocky way, BAD. If they work out silently with their head down (not with an air of defeat or timidity, but an air of ‘I Can Destroy You If I Want But I Won’t'), then they’re cool. I started giving him visual props by nodding my head when I see him and he does the same! haha cool.

• Spanish Effeminate Counter

This guy is one of my personal favorites. He is this teenage kid who is presumably Spanish by his accent. How do I talk to him, you might ask? He counts. He busts his butt which I respect, but for every rep he does I can hear an audible “One…. Two…. Three…” etc. It doesnt help that he goes up to sets of 15 or even more sometimes. What’s worse is that his voice is the highest, most pansy voice ever with a Spanish accent. Haha I mean I guess it’s cool that he is very precise with how many reps he does but COME ON DUDE!!

Anyway welcome to my life at a public gym, and seeing as how I see these guys maybe 3 or 4 times a week, you can see how hard it is sometimes to concentration. Simply too much entertainment haha.